No One Will Ever Know
Image Courtesy
of The Writers Ranch
"Shouldn't Lou've been back by now?" I hear Emma ask, the concern evident in her voice.
"Now Emma," Teaspoon starts in a calming voice. "Give the boy a chace, it was his first ride. Stop worryin'."
Emma stopps drying the dish she was working on. "I've told you already, as long as these boys are in my care, I'll worry as much as needs be. He should've been back after breakfast, and here it is past lunch."
"I'm leavin' for my run soon, if I don't pass him along the way, I'll ask at the next station," I say. More than likely Lou realized he just wasn't capable of this work. I think back to our encounter by the barn yesterday after we came back from town.
~~
I gave Katy a sugar cube and rubbed her muzzle before turning her loose in the corral. I heard a noise and turned to see Lou struggling to put his saddle on the top of the fence; it's almost taller than he is. I went over to help and we get it up.
"I coulda done it myself," he said angrily.
I shrugged, "I know." I started to walk towards the bunkhouse, but his voice stopped me.
"Thanks just the same."
I nodded accepting his thanks, and then turned around. "You like doin' everything by yourself?"
"Used to it," he told me defensively.
"Me, too," I paused. I couldn't help but wonder why someone as young as he is would want this job. "Some ways we're the same, Lou." Neither one of us felt comfortable here. Maybe if he knew he had a friend... "You don't hardly talk to nobody. It ain't my business, but..."
"You're right. It ain't your business."
The venomous tone in his voice told me all I need to know. He wants to be left alone like me. I turned around and headed back to the bunkhouse leaving him alone to do his work.
~~
As I'm approaching the next way station without passing Lou along the way, I begin to think I was right, that he did quit. I keep telling myself that because I hate to think what else might have happened. I know the job is dangerous, but I hate to think of any of us getting hurt... or worse.
The first thing I notice as I ride into the station is the place looks deserted, even the horses are gone. I see a body lying on the ground and rush over to help expecting it to be Harley, the stationmaster, but I soon realize it's Lou.
"Lou!" I call out as I rush to his side. I turn him over and he moans; a good sign. "Hang on, Lou." I easily pick him up and throw him over my shoulder. I can see blood on his shirt but I can't tell how bad he's hurt. I quickly carry him into the house and place him on the small cot.
He moaned again and weakly tries to fight me off as I unbuckle his holster and loosen his pants some so I can pull out his shirt.
"You'll be okay, Lou," I tell him, hoping it's true. "Lemme just see how bad..."
"No," he says still trying to fight me. "Don't!"
I raise his shirt and... I blush... Of all the things I expected, breasts were not among of them. I'm confused, stunned and can't breathe. It takes me a moment to catch my breath again. "Lou?" I ask hoping that somehow I've made a mistake.
"What's the matter Kid?" she asks before pushing my hands away. "Never seen a girl before?"
She moans a few more times and then passes out. I'm relieved because I don't know what to say.
I try and sit and watch her throughout the night, but she wakes me around midnight. I realize she's running a fever so I pump some water from outside and spend the next few hours checking and tending to her wound, bathing her forehead and praying she'll be all right.
During her fever, she calls out to people-- Teresa, Jeremiah, Charlotte... and I wonder who they are. Are they her friends or family? Do they know where she is and what she's doing? I have so many questions but don't know how to ask her. So many thoughts are running through my mind.
At the first sign of light, I go back outside and start a large fire. They should be able to see the smoke back at the Sweetwater station and hopefully will come and check it out. When I get back inside, Lou's awake; her fever broken and she's looking a lot better.
I stand by the window watching for signs of the others. I can't look at her, I'm too uncomfortable. "The boys will see the smoke. They'll be here soon. You're lucky, you just creased your ribs. Might have cracked a couple but you'll be OK."
"Do you wanna cut the small talk?" I hear her reply. She knows I'm uncomfortable and it doesn't seem to bother her.
Fine, if she wants to act like normal then I will. I turn and walk towards her, getting angry. "What are you doin' here? Don't you know what those men would have done to you if they found out you were a girl?"
I watch her flinch as my words sink in; she knows I'm right.
"Nobody knows but you." I had already figured that out as I start to walk back to the window. Her voice stops me. "Listen Kid, I run away from an orphanage. In St. Joe., Missouri. I got a little brother and sister still back there. A girl with no ma, no pa, no kin ... what's left for me? Scrubbing floors or worse?"
The look on her face tells me she's seen the worse part first hand. Maybe not lived it herself, but she knows what could happen to a girl all alone out in the west. "Well, ain't there something else you can do?"
She gets defensive on me again. "Why should I? I already showed I'm as good as you, Hickok, Cody, any of you."
I know she's right but it's still hard for me to accept. I was brought up to believe that women were to be protected from the dangerous things in life and that I should treat them with respect and kindness.
I remember asking my ma one day about my feelings towards Doritha. She told me, "Kid, when you meet that someone special, you'll know. You won't be able to breathe or think straight. All thoughts except for her will vanish. She'll be the first thing you think about when you wake up and the last thing you'll think about before you fall asleep. No matter what your pa has done to us, I once felt that way about him."
I just realized that for some reason, maybe because her bunk is right above mine, I've spent several nights thinking about the smaller rider. How he... well she, would be able to cut it in this job. And I'd wake up in the morning surprised to still see her there.
I suddenly realize though, that my southern manners have escaped me. She is a girl, and I should introduce myself properly to her. "What's your real name?"
"Louise," she says it almost like she's forgotten it and hasn't gone by that name in a long time. But I smile. "Louise McCloud."
It's a pretty name, just like she is... I blush and hold my hand out to her. "Pleased to meet you, Louise."
She slaps my hand away and smiles. "You met me already." She grimaces and grabs her side. It brings me back to my point.
"You won't fool people forever," I point out, though I admit she's done a good job of it until now. I can't figure out how all of us missed it now that I know.
"I don't have to. I'm gonna save all my money. Get a place of my own. Get my brother and sister out of there." If its money she wants, I'll give her some, I'm sure the others will too. But her next words are almost like she was reading my mind. "Kid, Don't say nothin'. They'll get rid of me for sure."
We hear the others riding up. They've seen the signal and have come to check it out. I'm confused as to what to do. Do I tell them? Do I keep her secret?
"Kid, you can't tell," she begs.
I give her a noncommittal look. I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but if I don't get out there soon, the others may come in here. There will be too many questions I'm just not ready to answer yet.
"Lou, you just heal up and we'll see," I tell her before heading out to meet the others.
As were outside talking about what to do next, Lou comes out ready to join us. I don't want her coming with us.
"Lou, you should be restin'."
"I'm goin'," she angrily replies.
Why does she have to be so stubborn? How can I make her stay behind? "You can't Lou, you're hurt."
"Lou's got a right," Jimmy says. "Thinks he's fit, why can't he?"
"Because..." I almost say because she's a girl. I see the fear in her eyes that I'll tell them.
"Because what?" Cody asks.
"Because he'll slow us down," I say looking towards her. I'm scared the others will see the truth in my eyes, that there's something more going on.
"You said yourself, I'm not hurt that bad. I'm going!" Each word she says gets louder.
"Guess Lou's goin'," Jimmy agrees wondering what the big deal is. I shake my head. I don't like it, but I have no other choice.
As we mount and prepare to ride off, I give one last look towards Lou. There's a plea in my eyes and I see the fear in hers. I'm not sure if its fear of what might happen or the fear I'll tell. I won't for now, but if anything happens to her... Well I'll just make sure nothing will.
When we return back to the station after dropping Scarface and his men at the Marshall's, Emma comes out to meet us.
"You alright, Lou?" Emma asks concerned.
"Just fine, Emma. Bullet just grazed me and I bruised a few ribs. Nothin' I can't take care of myself."
I look over at Lou, silently urging her to have Emma check the wounds. Since we've been gone, Lou wouldn't let me because the others were around.
"Well if you need help changin' the bandage or just want to talk, you know where to find me."
"Thanks, Emma. I'll keep that in mind," she says before we head to the barn to put away the horses.
The others are already in there and I stand beside her as we continue to walk, "Lou, if you won't let me, let Emma check your wound."
"Kid, I already told you no. She'll tell Teaspoon and I'll be out of a job. I'm fine, doesn't much bother me anymore." She walks faster, leaving me behind.
I know she's not fine, the past few days of riding have taken their toll on her small body. I'd offer to put her horse up for her, but I know she'll just get mad. I'm so confused about all these feelings I have for her. I don't know, it's something more than just being worried and wanting to take care of her, make sure she's all right. Maybe I should talk to Teaspoon about it.
The next day as I'm waiting for my ride, I get my chance. "Teaspoon, you must know lots about things."
"Most what I need."
"Well, what about women?"
Teaspoon looks proud that I've come to him advice. He also looks surprised that I would come to him for advice about women. "Kid, you come to the right place. I expect I got more expertise than most. "
I grin. Hopefully he'll be able to help me figure out what I've been feeling about Lou. "How come?"
"I've been married. Yes, sir. Three times to white women, two times to Indians."
Maybe this isn't such a good idea. If he's been married that many times he might not know as much as the says, or at least not be able to help me. "So then you must've learned a whole lot?" I question him.
"Kid, when it comes to human beings, affairs of the heart, the world is kinda like a wheel, divided into three equal parts. Each part wants the part that don't want it. If one of these parts desires the other and it's mutual, that's what's called the freak of nature."
I sigh. This isn't helping me any, only making me more confused. But I keep listening as he rambles on.
"So people get married and they call it love but it weren't really who they thought it was in the first place. So years pass by and you find out you've done married up to a stranger. So, the question is, if they was married to a stranger, who was they with all that time before. You see what I'm gettin' at?"
"It's very confusing," especially since I can't tell him why I'm so confused.
"I dare say. I dare say it is, Kid." I want to ask him more questions, but Cody arrives and I have work to do.
A few days later I'm out by the coral checking on Katy. I'm still worried about her injury and I don't want to ride her until I know she's going to be okay. I'm rubbing her muzzle when I hear Lou come up.
"Kid?" she asks. There's both relief and uncertainty in her voice.
I turn to look at her. "Yes Lou?"
"Thank you for keeping my secret."
"I didn't promise..."
"No, but you could've said something and you didn't."
I smile and then look away. I'm scared she'll see how I feel even if I'm not sure how I feel. But she's right, I could've told the others, but she's proven herself to me. As long as she stays safe... "You got a right to make your own way. I won't tell. I give you my word."
She smiles and looks around. She leans forward and kisses me on the cheek. I don't know what's come over me, but suddenly I turn my head and kiss her on the lips. It's a simple kiss, but she doesn't pull away, not at first. Eventually she does, and I find myself disappointed.
Neither one of us is sure what to do or say next. After a moment, I say the first thing that comes to my mind. "It's gonna take some getting used to, now that you are a girl."
She smiles as she looks at me. "Uh, I always been a girl, Kid." She starts to walk away but gives me one last look. Her words have brought me back to reality.
My mother's advice also comes back into my mind. When I'm around her, I can't breathe or think straight. All I can think about is her. But I don't know if Lou's the one for me. How can we find out the way we work and live together? I decide to keep my feelings to myself from now on. I'm afraid that I may say or do something to give her away. As long as I'm the only one who knows her secret, no one will ever know.