My Past is Looking Brighter
Image Courtesy
of The Writers Ranch
"That's impossible. I had two daughters and one son," the man holding me hostage says.
"You still do."
My head snaps up as Lou's words sank in. Does that mean... No... He can't be... I mean she can't be... Lou's a girl?
"Louise," her father whispered.
I look at him and then at Lou. I'm trying to see what I couldn't before. My gaze keeps running up and down her body and I wonder why I didn't see it sooner.
I'm standing here with a gun to my back and all I can think of as I listen to how her mother left to protect her and her brother and sister from the man holding the gun on me, is what else has happened in her short life that would make her disguise herself as a boy?
"So he can grow up to be like you? So he can learn to whip people 'cause it's good business. Kill 'em 'cause it's easier than trustin' them? You wanna stop me, you're gonna have to kill me."
I have so many feelings running through me... shock, anger, confusion... I barely hear what she says. I hear Boggs holler out and I realize he's drawing his gun to aim at her.
I'm not sure if it's my sudden need to make sure she's safe or my instinct to run or stay and fight, but I try to knock the gun out of his hand.
"Kid!" I yell out, distracting Boggs long enough for Kid to scramble towards his weapon. Boggs knocks me to the ground and I watch as Kid aims and drops him.
I get up and walk to where Lou and her brother and sister are huddled. I can't even look at her now. I'm not sure what to say or do so I look down at Teresa and make sure she's all right. Lou walks over to where her father lays dying and I know I need to get the children away from this. They don't need to see it. I check to see if the coast is clear and come back to lead the kids outside.
"Kid, let's go!" I call out. Kid has his arm on Lou's shoulder as he whispers to her. He helps her up and I feel a bit envious as we meet up with the others outside.
All these thoughts are running through my head as we head to the orphanage. Lou keeps looking my way and when she catches me staring and I turn my head away. As she's saying goodbye to her brother and sister, I'm entertaining the other children by playing Rock, Paper and Scissors. With each game I debate whether I should tell the others. If I win, I will... If I loose, I won't... These kids are too good for me.
So I decide that even though the others should know, I won't be the one to say anything to them. She must have a reason to do what she's doing, and it ain't my place to have the others pry into her life. She'll tell them... tell us when she's ready.
That evening as we made camp, I noticed Kid and Lou walk off together. I notice Kid didn't look surprised when Lou revealed her secret. Could he have already known? I think back to all the looks and smiles I've seen pass between the two of them and realize he had to have known. Kid has always been protective of her, but we all have been. But that was because we thought he... I mean she was smaller than the rest of us.
Surely he would have said something to the rest of us. I know that letting Lou fight beside us and live with us goes against his southern beliefs. And how could Teaspoon and Emma let her live with us? Do they not know? How can they not, it's so obvious now that I know.
I see Buck, Cody and Ike walking towards me and I know where they're heading. I have to think fast because I don't know what Kid and Lou are doing down there.
"I'm headin' to the creek to wash up before turnin' in," Buck says.
"No!" I say a little too sharply. What ever Kid and Lou are doing, they probably wanted to do it in private. She was most likely bathing while Kid stood guard, but either way, I have to protect her secret.
"Why not?" Cody asked coming up behind Buck. "It's been a long day and we just want to clean up and turn in."
"Kid and Lou are down there talkin'. He's probably apologizin' for killin' Boggs. Give them some time alone to work it out."
The other riders nodded and I watch them as they go back to the campfire. I'm relieved when a few minutes later Kid and Lou return. I watch as Lou walks towards me, still not able to look her in the eye.
"Jimmy, can I talk to you for a moment?" She asked gesturing she wanting to speak to me away from the others.
"Alright, Lou." We walk towards the creek and stop when we are out of earshot from the others.
"Jimmy..." she says as I say her name.
"Go ahead, Lou. Ladies first," I say. For some reason I give her a stupid grin.
Lou chuckled. "I want you to know that I'm gonna tell the others, but I wanted to talk to you first. I'm sorry..."
"Lou, you don't have to tell them, I'll keep your secret."
"I can't ask that of you Jimmy. It's time the others know. Kid has known almost since the beginning and it's been hard for him. Once all of you know, I'll do what ever you decide."
"What do you mean?" Is she really thinking that we'd force her to leave just because she's a girl? Maybe if she hadn't proven...
"If you all want me to leave, I will. It's going to be pretty awkward now that you guys know, and I don't want that. I don't want to go, but if that's what you all decide, then I'll part ways at daybreak."
Before I can protest, Lou walks back towards the group. I slowly followed her, wondering how the others would react. I see the look of pleading in Kid's eyes, he's scared for her and I realize I am too. I go and stand beside Kid and we watch as Lou sits down and prepares herself to tell the others. She looks at us and I nod, giving her the simple gesture of support.
"My name isn't Lou... It's..." She buried her face in her hands and growled.
"It's Louise. Louise McCloud."
Silence enveloped the camp, even the crackling fire seemed to be in a stunned silence. Lou turns and runs back towards the creek. I start to follow her but Kid pulls me back.
"Let her go, Jimmy."
Buck was the first to recover. "You both knew?" We nod. "Since when?"
"I found out this afternoon, shortly before Boggs was killed," I answer, and I don't know what to tell them about how Kid found out. I'm curious about that myself. "Kid found out... When did you find out exactly, Kid?"
"More importantly," Cody asks. "How?"
Kid shook his head and goes after Lou. I want to hit Cody for acting like that. Leave it to him to want the details that are none of his business. I chuckle as Ike thinks the same thing and smacks Cody upside the back of his head.
"Oh come on! Aren't you curious as to how Kid found out Lou was a girl? And why he didn't tell us? I mean she's worked with us, eaten with us, slept with us, and more importantly, watched us dress and undress!"
** What does it matter, Cody?" ** Ike asked. ** You've offered to show half the girls in town what Lou has already seen. **
"He's right you know," Buck added.
** No, she always stepped out when we changed. And most of the time we've been together, we've all slept in at least our long john bottoms. **
"What should we do?" Buck asked.
** Are we really going to ask her to leave like she thinks we are? **
I shake my head. "What we need to do is go over there and tell her that we're alright with it. That it doesn't matter that she's a girl, she's no different from the rest of us."
"But she is different from the rest of us, Jimmy," Cody responds and I just walk away. I walk towards them down by the creek, I want to offer my support and I notice they're huddled together. Kid almost looks as if he's about to kiss her. I need to make my presence known before they get caught doing something the others don't need to be seeing.
"Lou, you alright?"
She nods and my heart breaks as I see the tears in her eyes as she quickly wipes them away.
"Well Buck, Ike, and Cody here have somethin' they wanna tell ya."
I watch as Cody steps forward first, and I see him holding something behind his back. I smile as I realize for once he did something right.
"Name's William F. Cody, most folks just call me Cody, and it's a pleasure to meet you... Louise," he grins bringing the wildflower from behind his back.
"Same here goes for us," Buck said pointing to Ike as well before both handed her flowers as well.
Lou chuckles and I can't believe I couldn't see it when I see her smile. After awhile we all decide to turn in and say goodnight.
I toss and turn trying to figure out these feelings I'm having... I can't help it, but I feel something different, almost like I'm attracted to her now that I know. Maybe deep down, I always knew and had these feelings... Maybe now they're only starting to surface because I know the truth... Either way, I know I'll never act on these feelings.
I wake up in the morning and can't believe what I just heard. Cody asked Lou on a date? I should've known he'd make light of the situation; he's never one to pass up a pretty lady or good food. Well after tasting the breakfast Lou prepared, he was half right.
We ride back towards home in silence. I can tell everyone is trying to figure out how to deal with things when we get back. Again I notice Kid riding very close to Lou and I wonder if there is something between them. I see the main house now and Lou pulls to a stop and sighs.
"What's wrong?" Kid asks her, the concern evident in his voice.
"Nothin'."
I keep looking her over and realize that even though we talked briefly, I haven't let her know how I feel. "A girl..." I say chuckling, trying to sound nonchalant.
"Something wrong with that?" Lou asks me with anger in her voice. I didn't mean to make her angry.
"Only thing wrong with that is I didn't see it sooner." I can't help it, I finally voice my opinion. "I'm tellin' you Lou it's a relief, cause the way you and the Kid have been lookin' at each other all this time..." The next words surprise me as much as they do everyone else, but as soon as I say them I realize it's the truth. "Hell I even caught myself lookin' at you like that a coupla times."
"Like what?" Lou looks at me surprised.
I'm embarrassed now. "Mmmm. You know..."
"No Jimmy, I don't know," she says grinning.
She knows she's making me uncomfortable and she loves it. I try to cover up how uncomfortable this is making me. "All I'm gonna say is, that... you're the best lookin' boy I ever seen."
She's blushing now, and so do I. "Why Jimmy," she says before laughing. Soon we all are, the tense moment over.
"I wouldn't let that go to your head, Lou. I seen him lookin' at his horse the same way."
Is Cody talking about me or Kid? Lou laughs again and I realize I like her laugh. It's different now, like her voice it's softer, more feminine, more Louise than Lou. I hear her sigh again and wonder what's wrong, and then she voices her concern.
"I'm sure gonna miss ridin' with you all."
Surely she can't think after last night we're going to make her leave? "What are you talkin' about?"
"When Teaspoon finds out that I'm not what he thinks I am..."
"Well who says you ain't?" Cody says.
"You ride tall as any man I ever seen," Kid adds.
And we'll all do anything it takes to keep her secret. "Any man says different is gonna answer to me."
"And me." Buck agrees as does Ike.
"Then you won't tell?" She questions, still unsure.
"Ain't nothin' to tell," Kid says before he and the others start riding back.
I know she's doubtful of what will happen. I can't help again but to wonder why she's so unsure of herself now that we know her secret. I know I've had a hard life but I can't help but thinking compared to what ever she must have gone through to live a lie like she has, that my past looks brighter than it ever did.