Consequences Be Damned

Part 5

Lou woke up dazed and confused. She was in a soft bed instead of her usual hard bunk and it was dark outside. As her eyes adjusted to the little bit of light coming from the lone lantern lit in the room, she realized she was in the guest room at Rachel's, and the memory of her argument with Kid earlier came back.

"I thought I heard some stirrin'," Rachel said quietly opening the door and looking in on Lou. "Feelin' any better?" She crossed over to the dresser and turned the lantern higher.

Lou shook her head. "How long have I been asleep?"

"Long enough to get some much needed rest. With all that's happened in the past few days, I'm surprised you haven't collapsed sooner. I brought you some supper if you're feelin' up to eatin."

"Kid?" Lou asked cautiously.

Rachel placed the tray in front of Lou and sat down on the side of the bed beside her. "Jimmy came back about an hour ago. Kid is with Teaspoon, and Teaspoon ain't gonna let him come home till he's in a better mood."

"Rachel, what am I going to do? I never seen Kid so angry. For a moment I thought he might hit me."

"Kid would never do that, he loves you too much."

"I thought so too, but not anymore. He can't even look at me. I should never have told him everything."

"So there is more than what Teaspoon and I know?" Lou nodded as she nibbled on a piece of bread. "I thought so. Is that why he got so angry? Was it something you did?"

"That and I think because I didn't tell him about the rape sooner. I couldn't Rachel. I thought the more I didn't think about it, the more I could make it go away. And the rest of it... I know I shoulda told him sooner, but the one thing I feared from him was pity... I never thought he would look at me like I was a whore."

"Do you want to talk about it? It might help."

Lou shook her head. "I don't think I can go through that again. I know you wouldn't care what I've done in my past, but I've already had to face one rejection, I'm just not ready to take that chance again."

"Well when you're ready, you know where to find me. And don't worry about Kid, the two of you will get through this like you've gotten through everything else."

"I don't know, Rachel. All it took was one statement to take away all the dreams Kid had for our future. I guess if I were him, I wouldn't want me either. I survived loosin' him once; I guess I'll just have to survive it again. I just don't want to do it here though. I can't continue to be near him if all he thinks is that I'm no better than a common whore."

Both women heard a knock come from downstairs. Rachel stood up. "I'll go see who that is. If it's Kid?"

Lou shook her head. She tried eating some more of the food, but found she just wasn't hungry. A few minutes later, Jimmy knocked softly on the door before entering.

"You ok, Lou?"

Lou took one look at Jimmy and grew furious. "He told you? What right did he have?"

Jimmy shook his head. "He didn't mean to Lou, he just let it slip. He thought you told me."

Lou was furious yet relieved at the same time. She knew Jimmy wouldn't judge her; he would be there to comfort her as he always had. But she couldn't believe Kid would betray her trust. Rachel had said he was talking to Teaspoon, and if the stationmaster found out everything, she might as well look for another job.

"That don't give him the right to tell. Damn it, I knew I should never have said anything. Why did Charlotte have to come and ruin things? Everything was beginnin' to be perfect with us again."

Jimmy shook his head, "No Lou, they weren't. You just wanted to think that." Jimmy crossed the room and sat in the chair by the window. He'd prefer to sit next to her on the bed and hold her while she cried herself out, but under the circumstances, he knew it would be better to sit as far away from her as possible. "He had the right to know when you suspected you might be carryin' his child. We both knew what he would've done, but it wasn't right keepin' it from him."

Lou nodded. "I know, but I wanted to know for sure. Then when the doc told me I couldn't have children... There was just never a right time to tell him before. Then Charlotte and Wicks showed up. If they hadn't..."

"Lou, I'm not pickin' sides here, I can understand you not wantin' to tell him about when you thought he had gotten you pregnant until you knew," Jimmy flinched as he saw the fury in her eyes. "But I think he had the right to know about it after and also about the rape. He thought he was your first and knowin' now that you weren't... Maybe if circumstances were different, if it had been someone you loved..."

"But he was my first; the first person that I loved and that I wanted to be with. After what Wicks did... I couldn't even handle lettin' the doctors touch me."

"Maybe now that Wicks is dead you two can put this behind you and move on with your lives."

"But things ain't gonna be the same. Jimmy, I thought he was going to hit me. I've only been that scared one other time in my life." She shook her head. "Even if he could forgive me, I don't think I could forgive him for that."

"But he didn't hit you Lou. If he had, you'd be in here cryin' because you killed him." Lou chuckled and nodded. "See, it can't be that bad if you can smile."

"But he wouldn't let me finish. He got so mad at me..." She looked into his eyes and Jimmy saw the fear she still had. "With Kid I always felt safe. He made me understand what it was like to be loved. In that one instant he destroyed all of that. I can't stay here. I've asked Teaspoon to be transferred to another station."

Jimmy nodded. "I know. And it's tearing Kid up inside."

Lou tried holding back the tears. "Why if he hates me so much?" she asked with uncertainty in her voice. Her smile faded and Jimmy could tell she was trying not to cry again.

Jimmy shook his head. "I don't think he could ever hate you. He's just angry and confused. I think it was just too much for him to take at once. Of all the things he ever suspected, that never entered his mind. I don't think any of us could ever imagine what you've been through. I knew you were tough, but until Kid told me, I didn't realize just how tough you really were."

"You don't think any less of me for what I did?"

Jimmy shook his head. "You did what you had to do at the time. You were young, scared and alone. If you felt you had no other choice, then I could never hate you."

Lou tried to smile as she yawned. "What am I going to do now, Jimmy?"

Jimmy stood. "Well it looks like you can use some more sleep. Talk to Kid in the mornin'. If you still..."

He noticed she had fallen asleep, and removed the tray from the bed placing it on the floor. He pulled the blanket up around her and brushed the hair out of her face before kissing her lightly on the forehead.

He hated to see her suffer, and wished more than anything Kid would soon realize how lucky of a man he was to have someone as special as Lou; no matter what she'd done in her life to survive.