Consequences Be Damned
Part 4
Jimmy rode Sundance off towards the creek hoping to find Kid there. Kid was walking away from him and when Jimmy got close enough he jumped off and on to Kid, knocking him down while slamming his fists into his best friend.
"You bastard!" Jimmy spat as he turned Kid over and punched him in the jaw.
Kid struggled to breathe as he tried to fight Jimmy off. "I should have known she'd go runnin' to you."
Jimmy grabbed Kid by the collar of his shirt and was tempted to bash his head into the ground. Instead he gave him a good shake. "She didn't come runnin' to me; she came runnin' to the bunkhouse, where I was tryin' to get some rest. Then she made herself sick as a dog and all because you're too stupid to see how much she needs you. I don't know why she even bothers. Ain't she had enough pain in her life without you addin' to it?"
Jimmy hit Kid again with a right cross and then kneed him in the stomach. Kid struggled until Jimmy finally let him sit up. Kid was still furious but had stopped trying to fight him off.
"So you know then? You know she was raped? You know she got pregnant and then ended it like she was nothin' better than a two-bit whore?"
Jimmy drew his Navy Colt and aimed it at the chest of the man he considered a brother. "What did you call her?"
As the emotions passed over Jimmy's face, Kid realized that Lou hadn't said anything about her past to him.
"Kid, what are you talkin' about? Lou would never..."
"That's what I thought," Kid said shaking his head. "But she sat right over there and told me how she was scared and alone and it seemed like the perfect solution."
Jimmy holstered his gun and stood up. He just couldn't see the Lou he knew doing something like that. He ran his fingers through his hair and shook his head.
"Kid, back up. All Lou told me was you two had had a fight and you forced her to leave."
"Damn it Jimmy, I already said too much."
"Then you better stop talkin' and get back to the station. Let her finish tellin' ya what ever she was gonna say."
Kid shook his head. "I can't. That one statement made me realize I have no idea who she really is. She ain't the person I fell in love with. Jimmy, if I go back now, I may say or do something I'll regret."
"You haven't already? Damn it Kid, I ain't never seen Lou that upset. Not when you two broke up, not when you started courtin' Samantha, not when Elias was hanged, not even when Ike died. I don't know what happened while I was gone, but she trusted you enough to you about her past, and all you can think is that she's a two-bit whore?"
"Well that's what they do don't they?"
"She was raped for God sakes! She was what sixteen? Seventeen?"
"Thirteen. Barely fourteen when she found out she was pregnant," Kid mumbled.
Jimmy couldn't believe what he had just heard. He rubbed his hands over his face as if to try and wake him from a bad dream. He wanted to hit Kid again, but knew it wouldn't solve anything. "I should've shot you when I had the chance, but you ain't worth hangin' for."
Kid grunted his agreement.
"Kid," Jimmy said as he sat back down. "Tell me what happened. Start at the beginning."
"Maybe I shouldn't. Lou might not..."
"The horse is already outta the barn, Kid. No sense locking the door now."
Kid took a deep breath. "It all started a few days ago when a lady named Charlotte came callin' for Lou..." By the time Kid had finished, Jimmy was fighting back tears. He could never have imagined what Lou had been through, but things started to make sense. Her reluctance at first to become close with the others, her inability to trust those that cared for her and her instinct to survive on her own. But something still didn't sit right with him.
"Kid, somethin' just ain't right here. What are you upset about the most? The fact she hadn't told you till now or the fact that you think she did something none of us would ever imagine her doing, no matter what the circumstances were?"
"Both I guess," Kid said as he fidgeted with some rocks. "If Charlotte hadn't shown up, I wonder if she'd ever have told me."
"Did you ask her?"
"Of course I asked her!" Kid threw a rock into the creek. "She hesitated before she said she would have. I'm just not sure what to think."
"Kid, we've all done things we ain't proud of in our past. You had to know Lou ain't any different. I know there are things you haven't told her about your past, am I right? Or does she know the one secret we all want to know?"
"My secrets are nothin' as bad as that."
"Kid, let's take this one step at a time. What if Lou had told you about the rape sooner?"
"What do you mean?"
"What if she told you before you two started uh... dancin'? Would it have made any difference to you? I didn't think you were shallow enough to get upset because she wasn't as innocent as you would've liked."
Kid shook his head. "I'm not and it's not that either, Jimmy. You know me than better than that. But we rushed in to things to soon. Look where it led us."
Jimmy chuckled. "Kid, you weren't the only one rushin' things. We all knew it was just a matter of time. The way you two were lookin' at each other, stealin' kisses, and those innocent touches when you guys thought no one was watchin'. And that was before we saw her dressed as a saloon girl in Willow Creek. I'm tellin' ya Kid, when she came up to me that night at the bar I had a hard time rememberin' she was your girl. I'm sure Buck felt the same. None of us had ever seen Lou lookin' like that."
"Which doesn't make any sense Jimmy. She never acted like something like that had happened to her. She put herself in a situation where it could've easily happened again."
"But it didn't. And she was willin' to put herself in that position to save you and all because she loved you. As for the dancin', maybe it was because she loved you that she trusted it would be different with you. I know it was your first time..."
"That ain't none of your business," Kid said growing defensive, his cheeks turning red.
Jimmy shook his head and smiled. "It was when you came askin' me for advice. Look Kid, it's nothin' to be ashamed of. It was special for you because your first time was with someone you loved. Well in a way, it was a first time for Lou."
"What are you talkin' about?"
"What Wicks did to her was nothing but a violent act. You showed her that when it was with someone you loved, it could be a beautiful thing. Maybe she needed that more than anything else."
Kid thought back to their first time together. Afterwards she had cried and seemed somewhat distant. At the time he thought she was having regrets, now as his anger resurfaced, he wondered if she hadn't been thinking of Wicks.
"Damn it Jimmy! This ain't helpin'."
"Why not?"
"'Cause now I wonder if she ain't been thinkin' of him when we were together. It makes me angry; this power he's had over her all this time. I shoulda killed him when I had the chance. If I had known I would've the minute I knew who he was."
"Good. Get angry. Get as angry as you want, but you'll do it here. And whether you're angry with her or at the situation, you've hurt Lou enough. You two need to work this out, but I ain't gonna let you anywhere near her until you ain't angry anymore. Now, let's talk about the other part now. I know it goes against your southern beliefs Kid, but think about it."
"Of course it does. She killed an innocent life damn it!"
"I ain't sayin' it's right either, but it couldn't have been an easy thing for her to do either. I remember when I killed that lady in Benton. I..."
"That ain't the same. It wasn't your fault, you didn't mean to."
"You think that makes it easier for me to live with? You think I don't see her face when I close my eyes at night? That I don't have a constant reminder of what I did?"
"Lou said something similar about the baby. That she was carryin' a constant reminder of the worst night of her life."
"She was only fourteen and she'd already been on her own over a year at that point. The only family she had left was at an orphanage so they would have a chance at a better life. When you were fourteen you still had a home and your family. She had nothing."
"Even knowing all this now, can you imagine your life without Lou in it?" Kid shook his head. "If she'd had the baby, that's what would have happened."
Kid nodded. What Jimmy was saying made sense in his brain, but his heart was having a hard time accepting it. And he hadn't even told Jimmy the part that hurt him the most.
"There's more."
"I doubt it can be much worse than what you've already told me," Jimmy said. He wasn't sure if he could handle anything else.
"Jimmy, there were complications afterwards. She almost died. Now we can't... she can't have children."
Jimmy looked surprised. "She went to a quack?"
Kid nodded, "I think so. She was so scared she didn't even give them her real name. He wouldn't even give her something to calm her down when she had the initial exam. And the day she had it done, he did give her something, but it didn't work. She was aware of everything that was going on and what he was doin'. He didn't seem to care, just wanted her money and move on to the next patient. As she sat there she was tellin' me everything that happened I could just see her screamin' in agony."
Jimmy had a hard time imagining the Lou who knew ever showing fear, but knew that even the Lou he knew now was not the same Lou from back then. "So now your dreams of havin' a family with her are shattered, am I right?" Kid nodded. "Kid, if none of that had happened to her, and no matter how hard you tried, she still couldn't give you the children you wanted so badly, would you love her any less?"
"But this is different. She not only killed her first child, but she killed the family we could've had. It makes me wonder if things had been different, and I had gotten her pregnant when she thought I did, would she have done the same thing?"
"Kid, you know her better than that. Wait, what do you mean when she thought you did? When?"
"It was after we got back together."
Jimmy looked confused. As far as everyone knew Kid and Lou weren't dancing this time around because they weren't always sneaking off to be with each other. "But I thought you two had decided..."
Kid nodded. "It was one time. We just got caught up in the moment and things went too far. She saw the doc in St. Joe's and he told her she couldn't have children. There was too much damage from the abortion. I can't understand why she wouldn't tell me."
"Kid, we all know you would have done the honorable thing and married her the moment you even suspected anything. Hell Kid, you proposed to her because you never felt right about doin' what you guys were doin'. Maybe she thought you would feel forced into marryin' her."
"Jimmy, she wouldn't have been forcin' me. I loved her and I wanted to spend the rest of my life makin' up all my stupid mistakes to her. But now... Now I don't know if I can be with her knowin' that she could keep that from me or there was a possibility she could've done the same thing with my child."
"Kid, you don't know for sure you would've had kids if this hadn't have happened. And it could be just as much your fault as it is hers."
"But that's different Jimmy, I coulda accepted that. But she caused this herself. It's her fault she killed the chance we could've had to have a family."
"I understand you're upset, and I know how much family means to you, but there are different types of families out there. Each family is different, and that's what makes them special. A family doesn't mean a husband, wife and kids."
"I know that," Kid snapped.
"Do you? Look at yourself, hell look at most of us. Me, you, Lou... we were all beaten or watched as our ma's was beaten by our pa's. Buck never knew his pa, and the only family his ma ever knew shunned him because he was a half-breed. And what about Teresa and Jeremiah?"
"What about them?"
"Weren't you plannin' on havin' them come live with you two after you got married?" Kid nodded. "You were willin' to help Lou raise them as if they were your brother and sister as well. You were gonna make them part of your family. And there are more kids out there in orphanages that need a home just like Teresa and Jeremiah. You could adopt those kids and give them a chance at a life they might never have had otherwise."
"Is there a point to this?" Kid was getting frustrated. Jimmy was starting to sound more and more like Teaspoon.
"Yes there's a point. Over a year ago, the six of us were thrown together all tryin' to prove ourselves, to be better than the other. Within a coupla weeks, we became a family. Always watchin' out for one another, willin' to lay down our life to save any of us. We became a family, we became brothers and Lou became our sister. Just 'cause we don't have the same blood runnin' through our veins, don't mean we're any less a family."
"I know all that Jimmy, but it ain't the same."
"Kid, do you love her?"
"I did... Yeah, I mean I guess I still do, I just don't know."
"Remember how miserable you two were when you broke up?" Kid nodded. "Can you honestly go through that again? She gave you a second chance then, when in my opinion, you sure as hell didn't deserve it. She may have been the one who ended it, but the way you flaunted your relationship with Samantha broke her heart. She was so hurt by your actions, I never thought she'd talk to you again, let alone want to take you back. But she did."
"But how can I move past this, Jimmy? I don't wanna imagine my life without her, but I don't know if I can live with what she's done."
"Talk to her, Kid. Tell her how you feel, and make sure, really make sure that she knows that you don't care what she did in the past, as long as she's in your future."
Kid nodded as Jimmy's words sank in. Deep in his heart he knew that he did love Lou more than anything, even with all she's done. It had made her who she was; the woman he fell in love with.
"Well looks like the boys owe me some money," Teaspoon said as he approached Kid and Jimmy. "They figured one of you would be dead or seriously wounded by now. And by the looks of Kids' face, you came pretty close."
Jimmy nodded his head. "Don't think I ain't thought about it. Is Lou feelin' better?"
"No, she's seriously mad at Kid here, and won't tell me or Rachel why. Son, you want to explain what you said to set her off? You know she's wantin' to leave."
It was more of a statement than a question. Kid looked up at Teaspoon as his words started to sink in. A few hours ago he was so upset, he didn't care what she did, but after talking to Jimmy, he was beginning to realize that no matter what she had done, he still loved her.
"Damn it Teaspoon, you can't let her leave." Jimmy said glaring at Kid. "She'll be miserable anywhere else, no matter what Kid's done to her."
"I know that and you know that, but right now, she's in too much pain to know that. Kid, you ain't answered my question. Why is she so upset?"
"Kid let his temper get the better of him when all she wanted was his comfort."
"Back off, Jimmy!" It was bad enough he had told Jimmy what Lou had gone through, he wasn't about to tell Teaspoon anything he didn't already know.
Teaspoon looked at the two boys. The thought of the woman they both loved leaving was tearing them apart inside. Lou wasn't going to be happy when she learned Jimmy now knew what she'd hidden for so long, but maybe she could turn to him for the comfort she had sought from Kid.
Kid stood and stretched his body. He hadn't noticed how late it had gotten and now the sun was setting. "Guess we better get back," he said starting to walk away.
Teaspoon placed his hand on the boys' shoulder to stop him. "You ain't goin' anywhere till we talk. Jimmy," he said turning to the other rider, "tell Rachel he's fine and go finish up your chores."
Jimmy mounted Sundance and nodded before riding away.
Teaspoon turned back towards Kid and sat down. "It ain't the sweat lodge, but it'll do even if we have to sit here talkin' all night."