Consequences Be Damned

Part 2

"What?" Kid couldn't believe what he'd just heard. His Lou had gotten pregnant as a result of such a violent act. All these thoughts kept racing through his mind. "But how... I mean where..."

"Kid, I can't," she pleaded. She was exhausted both physically and emotionally.

He hadn't felt this confused and angry in a long time. "You just don't say somethin' like that and then not explain what you mean."

"Kid, please," Lou begged. She hadn't expected Kid to hold her in his arms and whisper words of comfort, but his anger directed towards her was the last thing she had expected.

"No Lou, I ain't gonna let you run off this time. You can tell Rachel and Teaspoon but you can't tell me?"

"You're the first one I ever told about this. Not even Charlotte knew."

"That's why you were never worried when we made love... You knew I couldn't get you pregnant."

Lou shook her head. "I didn't know, I thought I couldn't because I've always been so small, my cycles were never regular to begin with. After the pregnancy, they were few and far between. It wasn't until we got back together..." She shook her head trying to forget that horrible day at the doctors' office.

"So what happened?"

"I was barely fourteen when I found out. I was stayin' with a friend of Charlotte's named Alice. She let me work in the stables and at the livery in exchange for room and board. I loved workin' with the horses and it felt good to actually do somethin' I was good at and not have to wonder why someone was bein' so nice to me."

"After several months, I felt so sick; I didn't leave my room for days. Alice came to check on me because she started to get worried when I didn't come out for meals or to go to work. She knew what had happened to me and thought that something was seriously wrong with me. Maybe some complication from the rape, so she sent for the doctor."

"When the doctor told me the news, I went into a state of shock. I mean I knew how babies were made, but I just didn't think that it was possible... My first thought was to contact Charlotte for advice, but then I remembered Wicks could find out where I was. I was scared and alone, and was carryin' a reminder of the worst night of my life."

Some of Kid's pain subsided, but he still couldn't look at her. "Lou, I need to know. Do you have a child out there somewhere?"

Lou shook her head. "Kid, you have to believe that if I did, I would have told you."

Kid finally looked at Lou and saw the sincerity of the statement in her eyes but he was beginning to doubt everything he believed though. "I'm not sure what to believe anymore. Would you have ever told me about the rape if Charlotte hadn't shown up? What about after we'd been married for a coupla years and we still hadn't had a child? Would you have told me about the pregnancy then?"

Her hesitation before nodding gave him her true answer. Her tears started flowing again and he turned away.

"Kid, just a few days ago, you were the one who said you couldn't help but wantin' to know more about me." Kid flinched as his words came back to haunt him. "Even after all this time, you knew there was more to me that you didn't know. Now I'm tryin' to tell you. I know it may destroy everything we have, but you need to know. Maybe you need to know just as much as I finally need to tell someone."

Both remained silent for quite awhile as they both thought about what was now out in the open. As his anger started to subside, Kid began to get worried. He'd never seen Lou this upset before and he hated to think she had to go through that at such a young age. He couldn't help but think of when his pa had caused his ma to lose a baby. She had never been the same afterwards; but she had been older, and had already had two children. Lou's life had hardly begun when this had happened to her.

It pained him that Wicks took the chance from him to be a father. Took away from him the chance to experience the miracle of creating a child with the woman he loved more than anything.

He pulled her into his lap and wrapped his arms around her, resting his head on her shoulder. "You losin' that baby... That was just God's way of tellin' you no matter how strong and independent you were you just weren't strong enough to deal with that."

Lou shook her head. "Kid, you don't understand."

"It's okay. I know I just carried on about havin' children with you, but we'll just find another way," he said stroking her hair. "And who knows, maybe there's somethin' new that the doc can tell us about. It ain't your fault, Lou. We can get through this like we've gotten through everything else."

Lou allowed herself a brief smile before his words sank in. "It ain't your fault", kept repeating over and over in her head as she felt him lovingly rub her arms as he often did. Ever since their first time together, it was their way of being close to each other, a way of being joined as one when they couldn't be in any other way. That simple gesture usually comforted her, but now it made her scared.

She knew from all the times he had gone with her to see Teresa and Jeremiah that he would one day make a wonderful father. She realized now that he was right; she should have told him all of this much sooner, at least when they had decided to try and make things work again. Kid had just moments before confessed he was willing to give up having his own children, because he thought she had lost the baby. It would be so much easier to let him think that, but it was time even if it meant losing him forever.

"Kid, I didn't lose the baby."

His head jerked up from where it had been resting on her shoulder. "I'm confused, I thought..."

"A few days later after the doctor told me the news, Alice brought me the newspaper." She took a deep breath. "Inside I saw an advertisement for a doctor that traveled throughout the territory, that offered what I thought would be the perfect solution."

"You mean you had..." he couldn't even say the word and he had heard enough. He didn't even know those kinds of things existed until he started working for the Express. He'd only heard about them then when he overheard the other guys talking about one of the girls over at the saloon. They had mentioned that there were things a woman could do or buy that would help end a pregnancy. But he had thought that was only for whores and not someone as decent and loving as his Louise.

But she wasn't his Louise anymore. The Louise he thought he knew would never do something like that no matter the circumstances. Just a few days ago he had watched as she was torn between killing the man who had put her in this situation or not. Now she was admitting she had killed an innocent life, one that had never been given a chance. And because of that he would never have a child of his own. At least not with the woman he thought he loved.

"How do you find out? What do you mean you didn't know until after we got back together?"

Lou refused to look at him. If he was this upset for not telling him about the abortion, this would send him over the edge.

"A coupla weeks ago, I started to get worried. Like I said, my cycles were never that regular to begin with. Well remember that afternoon up in the loft when we let things go further than we intended?" Kid nodded. "I got worried because... I thought I might be... I didn't have one at all."

Kid instantly realized what Lou meant. A few days after her buried Garth and Doritha, he had been feeling pretty low. The weather had been stormy and he wasn't able to go to the spot Lou had found him at only days before. Instead she had found him up in the loft of the barn when she returned from her run and held him as his self doubts began to surface. A simple kiss to push his fears and doubts out of his mind had led to more.

They both regretted letting things go to far because just days earlier, when they decided to try and make things work between them, they had decided to go slow this time and concentrate more on their emotional relationship then the physical one. But then they got caught up in the moment that afternoon, and now after four months, she's saying she thought they had created a child.

"Why didn't you tell me?" his voice was filled with anger. First she had kept the abortion a secret, now she was admitting she had kept the fact she thought she had been pregnant from him.

"I wanted to know for sure so the next run I had scheduled to St. Joe, I went to see the doc there. After he examined me, he told me that there was too much scarring... that I couldn't have children."

He couldn't look at her and wanted to be as far away from her as possible. "I'm sorry Lou, I need you to leave."

"Kid wait, I'm not done, please let me finish. Let me tell you how it happened," she could barely get the words out between uncontrollable sobs as she told him the story.

~~ ** ~~

St. Louis- 1855

"Miss Boggs, you're sure about this? There are other options." The older woman, who was something called a midwife according to the sign, said as she put her arm around the young girl's shoulders. The young girl nodded, then shook her head, and then nodded again. "It's alright to be scared, most women who come here, a lot older than you, get that way. Now if you lie on the table, the doctor can examine you, alright?"

Lou knew what was coming. The doctor Alice had fetched the day she learned she was pregnant had been gentle, but after realizing she would scream any time she was touched, he'd had to give her something to calm her down before they continued. This doctor didn't, and wasn't gentle at all.

As she felt his hands on her thighs, images of Wicks standing over her flashed through her mind. As before, she screamed and tried to fight to get away. It was if the doctor had become her tormentor and she began to wonder if she would ever be able to let a man touch her in that way again.

After what seemed like an eternity, the doctor finished his exam. "Everything looks fine," he said. "You need to make a decision soon though. My fee rises sharply if I perform the procedure after the baby is movin', which from what you told me, could be as soon as the next coupla weeks."

Lou just nodded, still in shock that she was in this postion let alone considering this.

"So do you have any questions?"

"When is the soonest you can get it done?"

"You're sure then?" She nodded. "Well, we can set it up here in my office for the day after tomorrow. You'll need to stay in the boarding house next door for several days afterwards so we can monitor the progression of things. Since you still seem hesitant, the other option is I can give you some cotton root to take with you. You can take it at any time within the next few months, or not at all."

"Day after tomorrow is fine. If I do this... I mean..." she paused, trying to hold back her tears. "In the future, when I'm ready..."

The midwife patted Lou's shoulder and smiled. "You're young and healthy. Someday, when you're ready, you'll make some young man very happy with all the children you'll give him."

"All we need now is the seventy-five dollar deposit," the doctor told her. "And then you'll pay the rest the day of the procedure."

Lou flinched as she heard the cost. It would take almost all of the money she had left from what Charlotte had given her. She reached into her bag and pulled out the full amount. "I'd rather pay the full amount now if you don't mind."

The doctor nodded then went over to the cabinet, pulling out a small packet. "Take this as soon as you wake up that morning. It'll help you relax for the procedure. If that's all then, I'll see you in a few days."

Lou nodded as he and the midwife left the room. She looked down at the packet in her hand again realizing what this meant. She knew the midwife was right, there were other choices, but right now, this seemed the best one for her.

One Week Later

"Doc, come quick!" The midwife said running in to the exam room. "It's Mary. She started bleeding heavily last night and we can't get it to stop. It doesn't look good."

~~ ** ~~

"I mean it Lou! I can't stand to be near you right now. Leave me alone before I do or say something that can't be taken back."

"Kid, I had no idea that something like that would happen. If I did..."

"That's the problem, Lou. You're the same now as you were then. You do what ever you want, consequences be damned! You didn't think how it would affect you in the future. You cared for nobody but yourself." When he saw her still sitting there, he walked back towards her and knelt to her level. "Just go! Get out of here!"

Lou saw the rage in his now ice cold eyes. She'd seen that look too many times in her life -- first by her father, and then the night Wicks attacked her. Lou immediately got up, and wobbled when she became instantly lightheaded. When Kid reached out by force of habit to steady her, she misunderstood what he was trying to do, and was scared he would hit her. She pushed him away as hard as she could and ran back towards town.

As soon as he reached out to steady her, Kid realized he'd made a mistake. She must have thought he was going to hurt her. No matter what she had done; in her past, her present, or her future, he would never physically hurt her. And after they had decided to make a go of things again, he had never planned on hurting her emotionally as well. Upset for the moment more at himself, he turned and hit a tree he was near. His mind so clouded by his emotions, he didn't even notice the blood.