Consequences Be Damned
Part 1
Kid returned from his run and went looking for Lou. He'd been worried about her since the day Travis killed Wicks, and he wanted to make sure she was alright.
After making sure Katy was settled in the barn, Kid noticed Lightning was in his stall. As he walked towards the bunkhouse he saw Rachel hanging some laundry on the line.
"Welcome home Kid,. Have a good run?"
"Yeah. Hey Rachel, have you seen Lou? I wanted to talk to her."
"Not since breakfast. Everything ok?"
"That's what I was wonderin'. Did she go to Wicks' funeral today?"
Rachel stared at Kid puzzled. "Why would she do that?"
"I thought since she knew him and all she might want to pay her respects, even with all that's happened."
Rachel realized at that moment Lou still hadn't told Kid about the rape. "I don't think so Kid. I know Teaspoon had some questions for her, maybe she's over at his office."
"I'll go look around, if you see her before I do, let her know I'm lookin' for her?"
Rachel nodded as Kid walked away.
Kid looked around town and even went by the cemetery but there was no one there. There had been a sign on Teaspoon's door that he was out on official business so Kid decided to wait for Lou back at the bunkhouse. As he was heading back he heard her calling from Teaspoon's office.
"Kid!"
Kid turned to see her walking towards him. "Hey."
"Hey. Mind if I join you?"
"Sure." They walked together silently for a few moments. Kid could tell Lou had been crying.
"I'm ready to talk now."
"You don't have to."
"I want to."
"Then I'm ready to listen."
The couple walked out of town towards the creek. Lou didn't want to tell Kid what she had to where someone could easily overhear them. She thought that after telling Rachel, things would be easier. But as she sat in Teaspoons' office telling him she wondered how she'd ever be able to tell Kid. Teaspoon had held her while she broke down in sobs afterwards, but she couldn't bear to see the pity in the old man's misting eyes.
Teaspoon and Rachel didn't know the entire story and she didn't want to tell them. But it was time she told someone, and she silently prayed Kid wouldn't hate her forever.
After a few minutes, they settled down not too far from where Kid had often gone to think.
"Are you ok?" Kid became worried when she wouldn't look at him. She kept gazing out at the water in front of them.
"I wanted to explain what you saw the other day. Why I did what I did."
"I know you'd never do anythin' without a good reason Lou. I figured it had to do with Charlotte and her dyin'. I know she was your friend and you cared about her a great deal."
"It's more than that." She took a deep breath. "Well, remember when I told you I ran away from the orphanage in St. Joe's?"
Kid nodded.
"It was cold and I was so hungry. No one wanted to hire a thirteen-year-old girl with no skills. I had to steal food just to eat and at night I would try and sneak into someone's unlocked barn just to stay warm. Well one day Wicks caught me stealin' some food and he offered to take me in. He gave me food, shelter, clothes and a job. It was there I met Charlotte."
"Wicks owned a boardin' house?" The man Kid had met didn't seem the type.
"Not exactly. I didn't know what kind of place it was at first. I guess Charlotte tried to protect me from knowin', as well as from the other girls that worked there. Lookin' back I don't know how I missed the kind of place it was."
Kid watched as Lou was trying to hold back tears as it slowly dawned on him where she had worked. He could never have imagined her working in a place like that. As it started to sink in he thought he knew what she was going to tell him next.
"You mean you were a..." He choked on the words and as soon as he said the words he wanted to take them back. He had never seen such anger in her eyes and it frightened him.
A few minutes passed as Lou tried to ignore his remark. Finally she shook her head. "Maybe that would have been easier."
Kid looked even more confused. "Lou, you're not makin' this any easier for me to understand."
"For almost a year I rarely saw Wicks. Charlotte made sure I was kept pretty busy workin' in the laundry, and when I wasn't workin' there, she'd keep me busy doin' other things. Then one night, Wicks made sure she wasn't around."
Lou pulled her knees up tight against her chest and hugged them. She lowered her head, resting it on her arm,s and mumbled.
"I didn't catch that, Lou. What'd ya say?"
Lou raised her head but couldn't look at him. "That evenin' I was headin' back to my room after supper. When I walked by the door to Wicks' office, I overheard him talkin' to someone. He was mentionin' how he had a "feisty little thing" that the person would like, but that she needed to be broke first. I didn't realize it until later that night that he had been talkin' about me."
Kid placed his finger under her chin and turned her face towards him. His heart broke at the sight of her tear stained cheeks and red swollen eyes.
"Who else knows?"
Lou shook her head. "Up until a coupla of days ago, Charlotte was the only one who knew."
Kid was taken aback. He thought they had shared everything about their lives, now she was admitting she'd told someone before him. He was trying not to get angry, it wasn't her fault this horrible thing had happened to her, but he was upset she didn't come to him first.
"Rachel was the first. I told her the night after Charlotte's funeral. I had gone to the barn and fell asleep. I woke up after havin' a nightmare, and was headin' back to the bunkhouse when she called out to me. We just started talkin' and it came out. Then before I saw you, I had to tell Teaspoon. Apparently there were some questions bein' asked, so I told him."
Kid looked relieved. He didn't know why he thought she would have told Jimmy first, but he still wished she had told him sooner; it explained so much about the way she'd lived.
"Is that when you started dressin' as a boy?"
She nodded. "Charlotte found me the next mornin'. Wicks had beaten me up pretty badly so she took me to see the doctor. While I was seein' the doctor, I guess she stole some money from Wicks. She bought me a ticket to St. Louis; she thought it would be safer and she was scared Wicks might come after me. Apparently his customer had paid a lot of money for me. Wicks nearly killed her when he found out she helped me escape. I never looked back, at least not 'till she found me here."
"Why didn't you tell me all of this sooner?"
"I don't know, maybe I thought you would have loved me less. Does it make a difference?"
Kid shook his head. "No, but maybe I wouldn't have rushed things."
"Kid, you weren't the only one rushin' things. I wanted it just as much as you did. Maybe more."
"The doctor you saw... Did he say if... I mean are you..." Kid wasn't sure how to phrase the question most on his mind without upsetting her more than she already was. "Were there any complications from the rape? I mean can you still have children?" Kid saw the look of panic cross her face and mistook it for her thinking he was rushing their relationship again. "I mean when we're ready, later, in the future."
Lou had to smile as he stumbled over his words and a chuckle escaped her mouth.
Kid released a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding when he heard her chuckle. If she can laugh, things can't be all that bad, he thought.
Lou got serious again as his words began to sink in. Through all their talks about their future, they had never discussed the possibility of children.
"You know, we never talked about that," she said softly. Lou looked down at the ground and picked up a blade of grass, absentmindedly twirling it between her fingers.
"About children?" She nodded. "Guess I kinda hoped you felt the same way I did," he said as he took the blade of grass and lifted her face up. "I hoped that you'd wanna have them someday... and hopefully with me. I know we both had horrible childhoods, but that doesn't stop me from wantin' some of my own."
Lou remained silent. Kid sounded so passionate while he continued talking about the children he wanted them to have some day. She realized telling Kid about the rape had been the easy part, even though she had barely been able to get the words out. Now she wasn't sure how she could tell him the rest of it.
"Kid there's more."
Kid wasn't sure if he could bear to hear anymore. The pain, rage and other feelings he was experiencing could only be a fraction of what she had felt over the past five years.
"What if I couldn't give you the children you want?"
"Wicks beat you that bad that he stole that from us as well? Well, we can always adopt. Find children like us who had a bad start in life and..."
Kid stopped and stared at Lou. She was hugging her legs tightly and rocking back and forth slowly on the ground. Her face was buried in her arms, over her knees, but he could hear the heart retching sobs.
"Lou, what's wrong?"
"It wasn't the beatin' that caused the complications."
Kid tried to keep his voice calm but he knew it wouldn't do much good. He knew from experience that when she became evasive as she was now, then things weren't good. "How do you know? Are you sure? What did the doc say? What was it then? Lou, what happened?"
"I know it wasn't 'cause of the beatin' because a few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant."