I'd Rather Be Sorry

title
Image Courtesy of The Writers Ranch


I enter the doctor's office and see Ike lying on the bed. He's ghostly pale and soaked in sweat. Ike slowly turns his head and smiles at me as I sit down next to him and wipe the sweat from his forehead. "The Doc says you'll be outta here in a coupla days," I say. Then for some reason I can't help but to look under the bandage. I can't believe it, all I see is...

Buck awoke after having a nightmare. He looked down to the bunk below him expecting to see Ike smiling up at him, but as he looked down he remembered that it hadn't been just a dream. Ike's bunk was empty and he'd never see Ike smile again. He also remembered what his dream wouldn't, how he tried joking with Ike, telling him he'd seen worse. But he knew as he sat in the chair next to the bed, the friend that had been more like a brother to him than his own, wouldn't make it through the night.

It wasn't like he hadn't seen his share of death, or even been the cause of someone dying, but with Ike's death it was different. It had been a senseless death and he hadn't deserved to die like that when his whole life was just beginning to start. Buck had hoped to feel something, anything when he shot Neville in cold blood, but Teaspoon had been right. He had just crossed that fine line and now he would have to live with it and with the knowledge that it wouldn't bring Ike back. Nothing would ever bring Ike back, so why did everyone want to keep his things around to be reminded of that fact?

Ike's bunk was exactly the same way it was when he had been alive. Not sure what to do, none of the other bunkmates had touched anything. He got down from his bunk with a loud thud and heard Cody mumbled something about being quiet, but Buck couldn't take it anymore.

He threw open the bunkhouse door and went over to Ike's bunk. Family photos, mementos, all of Ike's personal belongings were tossed out on to the porch. He knew Ike's trunk would be too heavy, so he opened the lid and just started throwing out Ike's clothes as well.

"Buck?" Lou asked placing her hand softly on his shoulder. Buck jerked away, wiping the tears that he hadn't even realized he was shedding, and headed towards the barn. Lou sighed as the others joined her in watching Buck ride off.

"Was wonderin' how long it would take before he snapped," Cody said. The other riders just stared at him. "Well he has. For a week now he's not eaten, he's taken any run he can, and have any of you heard him say anything? I ain't."

"He's grieving Cody," Kid offered. "He just lost his brother and everybody handles grief different."

Lou walked outside, still in her long johns and started to gather the tossed items. Kid and Jimmy came over to help. "Maybe Rachel can keep all this up at the house. If Buck doesn't want them, maybe Emily will want..." Lou paused as she picked up a small red drawstring pouch. She'd forgotten about the ring. "'Scuse me," she said as she turned and ran back into the bunkhouse trying not to cry.

Kid and Jimmy heard the sound of hoofs approaching. They knew there weren't any scheduled runs until that afternoon, and thinking it may be Buck returning, quickly finished picking up Ike's things. "Rider comin'," Cody called out as the rider approached.

"What happened here?" A soft and sad feminine voice asked.

Rachel chose that moment to come outside. "Emily what a nice surprise, the boys were just helpin' with some spring cleanin'." Rachel sent the boys a look letting them know to clean the mess up and then placed her arm around Emily's shoulder. "Would you like some coffee? We can talk while I finish preparing breakfast for the boys." She guided Emily towards the house.

Emily glanced between Rachel and the mess. "Well I was hopin' to speak to Buck if that's possible," she trailed off as Rachel led her into the house.

~~~

Buck sat on a flat rock that overlooked the land Ike had intended to buy so he and Emily could build a house for when they got married. When Ike first showed Buck this land and explained what it was for, Buck thought his best friend had been crazy. Ike and Emily had only known each other a few days, but Ike said sometimes it happened that way.

Buck asked him how he knew that Emily was right for him. He pointed out that everyone had assumed Kid and Lou were meant for each other, but they didn't last. Ike looked him square in the eyes and signed *When you realize that you would rather die than see that someone you love suffer*.

Neither one of them had known that in less than 36 hours later, Ike would do just that.

Buck knew he shouldn't hate Emily, but he couldn't help it. If it weren't for her, Buck wouldn't keep having these nightmares. He would still be able to tell Ike something funny that happened to him on a run and his bunkmates wouldn't look like they were ready to take him out back and shoot him.

He knew they were just trying to help, but the last thing he wanted was to talk about his feelings, or talk about everyone's memories of Ike. He'd made his peace, he had had to so that Ike's spirit may be set free, but he didn't have to like it; and the more everyone wanted to talk, the harder it was to accept it.

Buck heard footsteps approaching. Only one other person knew about this place. "Emily," he stated without turning around.

"I thought I might find you here. I went to the..."

"Why? I have nothin' left to say and I don't want to talk about Ike, especially not with you." He got up to leave.

Emily grabbed his hand stopping him. "Then don't talk, just listen." She paused a moment to see if he would and then added "Please?" Buck sat back down and continued to look down the hill. "I know that you must think about me..."

"You don't know anything about me," he snapped. His cold tone surprised even him.

"I know that you were a brother to Ike, in every sense of the word except for blood. You were all he ever talked about. Do you know I didn't even know he had had a sister until after he died?" Buck shook his head. "He said if we were to get married, the hardest thing would be leavin' you behind."

"It's just not fair. He shoulda had the chance. He shoulda..."

"Lived long enough to be happy, I know. And I'm truly sorry about what happened. I'm more sorry than you'll ever know because I feel like his death is my fault. If I hadn't come to town, if my daddy hadn't been a gambler, if I had shot Neville just seconds earlier..."

Buck didn't have the heart to tell her he agreed but when he finally had the courage and looked at Emily, he saw the tears and sadness that he had as well. He finally understood that they had been truly in love.

"I just wanted to let you know that. I'm leaving on the stage this afternoon, but I just wanted to tell you, I'd rather be sorry for the pain I've caused you and everyone, than to have never have had the chance to love Ike." Emily stood to leave.

"Emily," Buck said softly as she started to leave. "Me too."