Your Eyes

Image Courtesy of The Writers Ranch

From the Broadway Musical/Movie RENT written by Jonathan Larson and performed by Adam Pascal on both the Original Broadway Recording (1996) and the Movie Soundtrack (2005).

Your Eyes
As we said our goodbyes.
Can't get them out of my mind;
And I find I can't hide...

"I guess we just went too far too fast, huh?" Lou said as she looked at Kid for the first time since she had told him no. She never wanted to hurt Kid, but she just was not ready to be what he needed. His eyes, usually so full of life, were dead. She could see the tears threatening to fall, but knew Kid would never cry in her presence. As long as she lived she would never forgive herself for being the one to put that sadness there.

Kid nodded as he fought back the tears. For the first time in a long while, Kid noticed the sparkle in Lou's eyes was gone. It was that sparkle that first made him fall in love with her.

Your Eyes
The ones that took me by surprise.
The night you came in to my life;
Where there's moonlight I see your eyes...

When Kid first met Lou, there was something troubling behind those hollow brown eyes. For someone so young, there was more pain and misery behind those eyes than he had ever seen, and it bothered him.

A few days later, he found Lou injured on one of the first runs, and he found out why some of the sadness was there. When he went to see how bad the injuries were, he found the last thing he expected.

"Whatta ya doin' here? Don't ya know what those men hadda done to you if they'd found out you were a girl?"

"They didn't. Nobody knows but you."

When she begged him not to tell anyone, the fear in her eyes increased. It was the hardest thing for him to do. It fought against everything he believed in. He never promised her, but she was right, she had proven herself to be a good rider. If keeping her secret would help elevate some of that worry, than he wanted to help.

A few days later when she came to thank him for not telling the others, when he had every right to, she kissed him on the cheek. He did not know what came over him, and he leaned in to kiss her on the mouth. For the first time since they had met, he saw a sparkle in her eyes.

Months later when they were at a town dance, he saw the sparkle had disappeared again as she watched all the other girls. They were all dressed up looking beautiful and were free to dance with anyone they wanted, while she had to dress as a boy. He knew her living life as a boy had to be hard, and he wanted to give her a chance to be a girl even if only for a little while.

"C'mon Lou, let's get some fresh air."

She followed him outside as they went behind the barn. He removed her hat and looked around. "May I have the pleasure of this dance?"

Lou looked around as well not sure if they should. She chuckled nervously. "Um... You may."

They danced close together and Kid saw the sparkle return. There was something more there. The way the moonlight shone in her eyes made Kid realized how beautiful she was, boys clothing or not. That was the moment he knew he was falling in love with her.

When the song was over, he did not want to let her go. He wanted to spend the rest of the night dancing with her in his arms. She looked up at him and he kissed her. It was a different kiss from their first; he wanted her to know how he felt.

She pulled away and chuckled again. "Um... I think I better go."

Kid still refused to let it to end. He wanted to keep that sparkle in her eyes as long as he could so he kissed her again. Until he took his last breath, he would never forget the look of her eyes in the moonlight.

How'd I let you slip away
When I'm longing so to hold you.
Now I'd die for one more day;
'Cause there's something I should I have told you...

Lou stood at the bunkhouse door frozen. She could not believe that Kid could just toss away what they had shared like it had meant nothing to him; like she meant nothing to him.

She never realized how much pain leaving him would bring her and now there was someone else in his life. She never thought a person could be so angry yet jealous at the same time.

She started to turn and walk away before she started crying, but the door opened and Kid walked out. She knew instantly that he knew she had heard every word. She looked away fighting back the tears.

Kid saw Lou standing there and instantly recognized the pain in her eyes. He never intended to hurt her, but it had been easier to let the others think he was over her than to admit he was dying inside without her.

"Lou..." Kid started. He saw the pain in those tear filled eyes and wanted to take her in his arms again, but he refused to give in. She was the one who ended it; she was the cause of that pain. He looked away; he couldn't stand to see her eyes clouded in pain.

When I looked into your eyes
Why does distance make us wise?
You were the song all along;
And before the song dies,
I should tell you
I have always loved you.
You can see it in my eyes.

Lou wondered if she would ever see the happiness in Kid's eyes again. The closest she had seen in the past few weeks had been when he had talked about going back to Virginia to fight if the war started.

"Lou, if this war starts... when it starts... those folks'll try to take away my memories. I'm goin' back home, you hear me?"

"You're gonna leave Rock Creek?" Things had started to change between them; they had started to become close again. It was like they had been in the beginning. Lou couldn't stand the thought that he would be leaving her.

Kid heard the words Lou did not say. He did not want to leave, but he had no reason to stay either. "Leavin' you would be the hardest thing I ever had to do... But stayin' would be harder."

When Doritha had arrived back in his life he felt responsible for the hardships she had endured since he left Virginia without her. Lou kept saying it was not his fault Doritha was in trouble, but he refused to listen. He He knew she was only trying to help, but she did not understand the burden he felt.

"You ain't listenin'. I told you to leave me alone!" Kid saw the pain in her eyes caused by his harsh tone. He had never meant to hurt her by yelling at her, he was just frustrated. Before Doritha had arrived, they had been given a second chance together; a chance to rebuild what they once shared, and now he feared he had just run her off.

Lou had never known Kid to be so cruel. His words hit her as if he had slapped her in the face. She had just wanted to let him know she was there for him and he had pushed her away. Then again, how many times had she done just that to him?

But Doritha saw what both of them refused to. As long as they were apart, they could never be happy. After she was killed, and Kid had felt helpless again.

"I don't know, Lou. I never felt so alone before, even after Jed died." Kid had lost his brother, than the girl he loved, and now his last link to his home and his past. He had lost everything he had ever cared for in such a short time.

"You ain't alone, Kid. You got Teaspoon and the boys and Rachel..." She paused.

Kid turned his head to look at her and noticed the sparkle had returned in her eyes. He was not sure if he was imagining it or if it was really there. Then he heard the words he had been longing to hear her say.

"And I ain't goin' anywhere." Lou looked down at the ground as she held out her hand towards him and waited. She prayed that he would understand the message she was sending. Suddenly she felt his hand slide into hers and she looked up at him.

The lifelessness had disappeared from his blue eyes and once again all she could see was the love that mirrored her own.